


Bath Time

by bornforwar_archivist, Tali_Sarah



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2020-03-14 14:55:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18950389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tali_Sarah/pseuds/Tali_Sarah
Summary: By TaliAll Xena wants is a nice quiet bath by herself. Poor Xena!





	Bath Time

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Xena Warrior Princess or Hercules the Legendary Journeys, wish I owned Kevin Smith, but sadly I don't. I am making no money off of this story, (wish I was) so please don't sue. This story is dedicated to my warped mind who needs to vent, and all my friends at the Ares/Xena Shippers Club who are having nervous breakdowns with the way season 6 is going, well I know I am. This is not meant to offend anyone, it's just a bit of fun, my mind is weird ok. The result of when I have too much time to think.  
> Subtext: Yes! Now all those Xena/Ares shippers come down from the hills. It's not Xena/Gabrielle. I'm not even sur if subtext is the right word...hmmm.....You'll have to read and see.
> 
> Violence: Nothing much, a little.
> 
> Sex: Um......no. A little touchy, kissy, but no sex.
> 
> Characters Coming Back From the dead: Yes
> 
> Character death: If Joxer doesn't get his hands off Gabrielle's um.....breasts then that is a yes.

After a full day of fighting all Xena wanted to do was have a nice warm bubble bath by herself. The King who was rather grateful invited Xena and Gabrielle to stay in his large castle, which had been an abandon spook house in the episode of Hercules the week before. After settling in and getting the bath ready Xena sunk in the warm water to be greeted by the sight of Gabrielle.

"What in the name of the light are you doing in my bath?" Xena demanded an answer from her "best" friend.

"Having a bath, DUH!" Gabrielle grabbed the sponge and threw it at Xena.

"I can see that. Why are you having one in my bath?"

"I can't reach my back to wash it. I though we could have another tender moment, you know where the music starts and we have a deep and meaningful?"

"Yes I know what you mean. How about we have one of those tomorrow, hmm?" Xena smiled as sweetly as she could.

"No thanks, I'd rather have one now."

All of a sudden they were showered in a blinding blue light. Once it dimmed away to nothing Ares God of a Hunk......a I mean God of War was left in the tub with the two women.

"What are you doing?" The short blonde woman asked.

"Having a bath you annoying blonde, what does it look like?"

"I can see that. What are you doing in Xena's bath?" She huffed.

"What are _you_ doing in Xena's bath blondie? I made an appointment, so bugger off."

Gabrielle burst out laughing. Xena looked rather unhappily at the blonde opposite her.

"In fact he did make an appointment last week."

Gabrielle's face fell, an appointment? What was Xena doing here? Had she lost what was left of her mind? Too many years of getting hit in the head.

With the look on Gabs face Xena hurriedly explained herself.

"He wanted to talk about an upcoming war. I didn't know I would be in the bath at the time he showed up, although I should have known."

"You should have known, is that all you have to say? Xena, when you get naked a little signal tells Ares it would be a good time to butt in."

"I just pick good times to arrive. No signal, just great timing." Ares interrupted with a grin.

"Will you two please be a little quieter, I am trying to relax, Gabrielle leave!" Xena yelled at the both of them.

"Me leave, what about him? Xenaaaaaaaaaaaaa........" Gabrielle whined.

"Um......."

Before Xena could answer Joxer burst through the door and fell in the tub right on top of Gabrielle. A naked Gabrielle, an unhappy Gabrielle, a wait a minute, _naked?_ Ares burst out laughing, Xena just shook her head and Gabrielle screamed, and screamed, and screamed until Joxer came up for air and realized where he was.

This was not good. Poor Joxer was convinced it was a dream and tried to kiss Gabrielle, when she hit him he turned to see Xena and Ares.

"This isn't right. Like I sometimes dream you two get married and Gab and I make out in the closet but never that we are all in the bath together." Joxer thought hard for a moment.

"It isn't a dream Joxer." Xena informed her friend.

Joxer paled considerably, he stumbled a little, turned bright red and was about to faint when a shower of golden glitter consumed them all. Once it was cleared Aphrodite sat in the tub with Xena, Ares, Gabrielle and Joxer.

"Looked like a party, thought I would join. So what's up my favorite little Warriors? Hi Bro." Dite was way too bubbly.

Joxer once again turned bright red at the naked Goddess of Love. Xena looked like she was going to cry, Ares couldn't figure out if he should laugh at the situation or get mad and yell, and Gabrielle was trying to remove Joxer's hands from her breasts, they _accidentally_ fell there.

"Aphrodite, how nice to see you again. I haven't heard from you since the little fairy tale incident." Xena was the first to vocally acknowledge the Goddess's presence, although it was more than a little sarcastic.

Dite smiled nervously.

"Ah yeah, sorry bout that one Xe. You will be glad to know Alicia is fine now and the Queen is expecting her first child, a little brother or sister for my fav little mortal princess. Well if I count you, second favorite mortal Princess." Dite giggled a bit but was stopped by the look Ares was giving her.

"Joxer! Get your hands off my breasts NOW!!!!!!" Gabrielle screamed.

Ares burst out laughing, Dite started to giggle again and Xena smirked while Joxer looked rather scared and ashamed at the same time. Gabrielle was bright red with rage and looked like she about to throttle the warrior wanna be.

"Hey Herc wait up." Iolaus cried as Hercules stalked into the room and got in the bath, Iolaus soon followed.

"Hi Xena, Ares, Gabrielle, Dite, Joxer, ARES! What are you doing in Xena's bath?" Hercules asked quite stunned.

"Having a bath you half wit. I made an appointment, did you?" Ares asked his half brother.

"Ah can't say that I did, Iolaus?"

"Sorry Herc, I didn't know we needed one. " Iolaus answered his best friend.

Hercules and Iolaus were deep in thought for a moment.

"AN APPOINTMENT!" They both yelled at the same time.

Hercules was about to argue it further but Achleme and Jason came in carrying an armful of bath toys. They threw them in the water before getting in themselves.

"Mum, your back from the dead." Herc yelled before grabbing her in a bear hug.

Cyrene soon followed, with a dirty look at Ares she got in the bath as well. Xena was having a freak, had everyone decided to have a bath at the same time with her? What was so special about her, did the Gods have it in for her or what?

"Xena?"

"Yes Mother?"

"Why is Ares in the bath with you?"

What was with all these people, there were other people in there as well but all anyone wanted to know was ‘why is Ares here?'

"He's here cause he is the only dam one that made an appointment with me! He gave me a weeks notice" Xena was getting frustrated.

"Yet you were still in the bath when he showed up?" Cyrene inquired.

"Who ever has their hand on my leg kindly remove it." Hercules interrupted looking a little anxious.

"That's you?" Iolaus gulped a little, and slowly removed his hand.

Everyone turned to stare at Iolaus. He smiled slightly before shrugging. The same thought was going through everyone's mind, "Who's leg did he think it was?"

Alti appeared in a cloud of black smoke.

"Everyones first born shall be cursed." She screamed.

"Yep Solan died cause of you." Xena suddenly looked upset.

"Little late lady, my Step Mum killed all my children and wife." Hercules informed the Evil shaminess.

"My daughter was born evil." Gabrielle butted in.

"First born?" Ares and Aphrodite said together while laughing.

"Well Toris is a lazy boy, always has been, that's curse enough, plus I caught him dressing up like Xena the other day." Cyrene mumbled to herself but was heard by all.

"Iphicles is dam annoying, always whining, why couldn't he be more like my little baby boy Hercules?" Achleme asked.

"Weird Amazon girl who played her Mother in Young Hercules, oops...um....forget what I said." Jason spat out.

Iolaus shrugged, he probably had more then a few children spread out over Greece he didn't know about. Joxer just looked scared. Alti sat in deep thought for a minute.

"Guess you guys are cursed enough. Hmm.....Anyone got make up remover? I've been trying to get rid of this eyeliner for years." Alti asked.

"Yeah here." Dite handed the woman a bottle of the best make up remover in Greece, it did nothing. The eyeliner was meant to stay.

Callisto appeared out of thin air next to Gabrielle and hissed at Joxer.

"Long time no kill Xena. So Gabrielle anymore husbands die on you? Hercules your Mum die , you get new pants yet?" Callisto looked over to Achleme who was threatening her with soap on a rope.

"What is this a reunion?" Xena asked.

"Could be." Callisto answered while grabbing the rubber ducky off Jason and trying to drown it. Dam duck kept on popping back up.

"Hell did you good, I think you got a tan." Dite told Callisto.

"Yeah, I think it's all the heat down there. Summer twenty four seven. Every hour is happy hour, I got a taste for margaritas.

Ares rolled his eyes, trust Callisto to actually have fun in hell. All the peroxide got to her after all. It got to Gabrielle too, "didn't she used to be a red head?" Ares thought.

The next thing anyone knew Najara walked in and placed herself in the tub.

"The Jin would like someone to pass the soap." She politely asked.

"Xena would like everyone to get out of her bath but that isn't going to happen. Get your own dam soap." Xena snapped.

"The Jin ask if you could just be a little less stressed." Najara replied calmly.

"The Jin and you tried to kill me, I'm quite rational thank you very much."

"The Jin give you three hours to calm down or I have to kill you." Najara smiled, a glint of evil in her eyes.

"They don't scare me." Xena challenged.

"Gabrielle will be MINE!" The physco woman yelled.

"Hey wait a minute, I don't belong to anyone." Gabrielle interrupted.

"Shut up Blondie." Everyone yelled in unison.

Najara turned to Gabrielle, Ares looked on with anticipation, there was a chance that the annoying blonde might go with the other annoying blonde, this moment was too good. Cyrene grabbed one arm, Achleme grabbed the other and they both hit the woman on the back with scrubbing brushes. The Jin didn't know what was happening, they vacated Najara and went to the local tavern for a drink.

"Ow!" Najara cried.

"Is there room for another." Discord appeared. She was aiming for Ares but got stuck next to Aphrodite instead.

"Oh looky it's the Goddess of Skank." Aphrodite smiled.

"If it isn't little miss inflatable." Discord smiled at the reaction she got from the Goddess of Love.

Dite turned bright red with anger, that was the last straw, Discord was going to pay. She pointed her perfectly manicured finger at the dark Goddess, a blast of love hearts hit Discord.

"Gabrielle. Oh how beautiful your eyes, like um........green things. Perfection in one little bard. Be mine forever?" Discord while trying to avoid the love hearts looked straight at Gabrielle, so when Dite's spell kicked in, Gabrielle was the only one for the Goddess of Retribution.

Ares burst out laughing followed by Xena then Alti and Callisto. Dite's face turned red from suppressed laughter. Joxer, Iolaus and Hercules grinned while trying to keep a straight face. Najara, Cyrene, Achleme and Jason were still trying to figure out what was going on, and Gabrielle, well Gabrielle was panicking. Oh Gods help!

"Ahhhhh!!!!! Xena help! Please anyone?" Gabrielle screamed as Discord tried to kiss her.

"My little Amazon why don't you like me? I love you." Discord asked.

"Oh gods, Joxer do something, I'll sleep with you if you just help me." Joxer grinned even more with that but unfortunately that was a long enough delay for Discord to get close enough to her bard and plant a big, wet sloppy kiss on her lips.

Xena and Ares burst into another round of giggles while Aphrodite took the spell off, she would have liked to leave it on but poor Gabrielle was going to kill herself with the soap on a rope soon if someone didn't do something.

"Xena!" Gabrielle looked really hurt. "How could you just sit there and not help?"

"Really easily." The Warrior Princess replied.

"Hey at least it's something to tell the grand kids." Ares offered.

"Thank you Ares, you seem to be the only one who is helping." Gabrielle thanked.

"Yep, The time Grandma and Grandma made out in the bath." He chuckled, followed by Alti's screeching laughter.

He was rewarded with a sponge in the face. This set Xena and Callisto off. It took Discord a few minutes to remember what had happened, she turned bright red, well as red as she could. Dam Aphrodite!

"It's not my fault!" The group heard coming from outside the room.

"Then who's fault is it jelly belly?" They heard another voice.

"You're still holding the whole Genie thing against me."

Salmoneus and Autolycus came arguing through the door and joined the others in the bath.

"Well hello Xena, Gabrielle, Ares, Hercules, Callisto, Discord, Aphrodite, Iolaus, Jason, Achleme, Woman wearing too much eye make up, Joxer, Blonde woman talking to herself, I have a great deal to offer you guys. It's bubble bath, war flavor. I also have strawberry and chocolate but since most of you are warriors." Salmoneus was cut off by Gabrielle.

"War flavor?"

"Yep, gets it's flavor from blood of a warlord and bones of a peasant."

"I hope not one of my warlords?" Ares asked.

"No sir, 100% warlord verging on thug, none of that skilled stuff."

Autolycus hit Salmoneus on the head to shut him up, he also shuffled as far away from Ares as possible, after what happened last time.

"What about dead animal?" Alti asked.

"Um....what kind of animal were you after?"

"A dead one in bubble bath." Alti rolled her eyes.

Cupid appeared in a shower of sparkle next to his mother and waved hello to everyone.

"How's my little baby boy?" Aphrodite asked.

"Tired. Hard day on the battlefield of love. Hey Uncle Ares."

"Cupid." Ares acknowledged.

Callisto grabbed one of Cupid's wing while inspecting it further.

"Looks like it's made of fake feathers. You dye them for parties? Bright pink wings would be cool." Callisto asked.

"Um, no."

"Who's foot is that?" Hercules looked nervous all of a sudden.

"Oh Gods!" Discord cried. She had thought it was Ares.

Cyrene just stared at her daughter, _"what kind of people was she hanging around with?"_ Achleme shook her head and hit Jason on the head.

The Widow Twanky came dancing through the door and stopped dead when she saw Hercules.

"Well hello you big bronzed man." She got in the bath and cuddled up to Hercules who panicked and screamed like a girl.

The Widow then turned her sights on Ares.

"Oh my I've died and gone to Illusia." If it was possible Ares moved closer to Xena.

"That's Ares, Herc's brother." Iolaus smiled at the look on Ares face.

"Good looks run in the family I see." The Widow Twanky tried to get closer to Ares but a dirty look from Xena stopped her.

"Well someone's a little overprotective aren't they?" Cupid asked Xena. He was hit over the head by his mother.

Toris came in wearing a leather shift and brass breast plate identical to Xena's, long black wig and even a plastic chakram. Xena turned bright red, she knew her older brother was jealous of her but this was ridiculous.

"See what I have to put up with. We are the laughing stock of Amphipolis." Cyrene threw her hands up in the air while talking to Alti.

"I get your point. Did another evil shaminess curse you before you gave birth to that?" Alti asked.

"Probably."

"Toris, I didn't think you had kept that." Xena commented.

Ares gulped. Seeing Toris, the brother of the woman he was deeply in love with dressed as the woman he was deeply in love with disturbed him. _"Mental note, get Xena new clothes."_

"I didn't, a woman named Meg gave it to me." Toris answered his sister while getting in the bath.

"Meg?" Joxer and Autolycas asked in unison.

"Someone say my name?" The cook/barmaid/thief/fake Princess ect.... smiled as she walked in the room.

"Meg, not that I'm not glad to see you but what are you doing here?" Xena asked.

"Reunion. Come in girls." Diana and Leah both came in. It was like Xena Con 2001.

Cyrene almost had a heart attack. She only remembered having one Xena, but there were three plus the original in the bath now.

"Oh goody! There's four of you all together. Now I have a choice of who to kill first." Callisto clapped her hands together.

"You're dead, you can't do damage." Discord reminded the former Goddess.

"Dam!"

"I have no chance now!" Najera sulked.

Ares had died and gone to the Elysian Fields, three Xena look a likes in the bath with him, plus the perfect original. Meg gave him a wink, Diana smiled sweetly and Leah turned bright crimson.

Just then in a shower of rose petals and love hearts Ares appeared, uh...wait Ares is already there, what is going on? It was Ares God of Love who was visiting this world for the weekend.

"Oh hello handsome! You are good looking aren't you." Ares GOL stopped looking at himself in his hand held mirror long enough to notice everyone in the bath.

"Oh Gods, no." Ares GOW groaned.

Xena smiled brightly while looking between the two Ares's.

"Oh stop drooling Xena!" Callisto hit Xena on the arm.

"Well aren't you the best looking out of the group." Ares GOL spotted Ares GOW.

"Please tell me this isn't happening?" Ares GOW pleaded with Xena.

" My names' Draco...........lalala......If I can't have her.....Wait, that's two different songs. DAM!" Draco came through the door and jumped in the bath splashing everyone.

"Draco, ah......help?" Gabrielle started screaming.

"Gabrielle, my love." He leaned forward to give her a hug and kiss but was stopped by Najara.

"Cupid can you fix that? It was your son that did it." Xena asked.

"Sure Xena." Cupid waved his hand and Draco sat in stunned for a moment.

"YUK! Gross! Gabrielle......" Draco closed his eyes and started counting.

Ares GOL settled himself on the other side of Xena. She started blushing like a school girl.

  
  


To Be Continued


End file.
